In the twilight of motherhood it is easy to look back with regret to all the could have, would have, should have times that are so evasively behind us.
I’ve had moments of regret. The times I should have shown more patience, been more present, and shown unconditional love more purely.
Motherhood is hard. It didn’t come naturally to me. I never intended to join the ranks. To me—kids smelled like dirt and maple syrup—and not the good kind.
I imagined myself a poet, an artist, and a healer—not ever as a mother. And then I was one. A mother. Young. Naive. Alone. And fully and completely in love with an unexpected child of my own.
I woke up. Grew up. Became. Blossomed and found myself in motherhood. But I wasn’t perfect. I wanted to be. But the humanness in me was imperfect.
There are so many moments I wish I would have lingered in. Things I wish I would have noticed. Directions I would have turned left instead of right and sometimes right instead of left. People I would have listened to and others I should have drowned out. I made mistakes.
But in the end we became. Mother. Son. Daughters. Eventually daughter-in-law. We became us. Imperfectly perfect. Bound by love, loss, trauma, history, relationship, and bonds down to our marrow.
I could shout, “I WISH” out into the universe. It would return empty. Instead I chose to put all those wishes into action right now as I live life beside my kids. Rather than look back in regret I choose to walk forward into our healed future.
In the twilight of motherhood I glance back and acknowledge all the good, bad, and the ugly with no regret. It got us here. The past should evade us. We live towards tomorrow. It is bright.